Phriday Phunnies

[Smokin' Joe]

There were three men.....

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand." So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

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"SUPPLIES!!!!" JJ

[Smokin' Joe]

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

[Smokin' Joe]

A blonde had a flat tire on the interstate, so she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. She took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. To her surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind her. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards her. She could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
"My car has a flat tire", she said calmly. "Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
She couldn't believe that he didn't know. So she told him,


"Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers."

[mattman]

need me some water that was DRY humor

[DGJesús]

DG Jesús, Smokin' Joe, Lou and SueMac were hanging out at Moffitt and planning an upcoming disc golf tournament. Unfortunately, DG Jesús had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, DG Jesús headed home frustrated.

The following week when DG Jesús' buddies arrived at the course to start warming up, they were shocked to see DG Jesús. He already had his cart setup, he had thrown a couple of discs, he had some cold ones iced down and he was sitting on the tailgate smoking a cigar.

"How did you talk the old lady in letting you play, asked Lou (wearing a dress)?"

"I didn't have to," replied DG Jesús. Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go to the tournament. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!"

[Smokin' Joe]

well hopefully you soaked it in cider first!

[Smokin' Joe]

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking? 'she said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, I did it for four reasons.
One, I like to watch my money grow
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[Smokin' Joe]

My Dixie wrecked

[Smokin' Joe]

http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_...xrs=eml_121709

[Smokin' Joe]

Sign at Golf Course in England

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4.. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.